Looking for a common denominator? Maybe it’s youBy Lisa Earle McLeodEDITOR’S NOTE — The Post is excited to bring you “Forget Perfect™,” a weekly column by nationally recognized speaker and author Lisa Earle McLeod. McLeod, a Snellville resident, has been a regular columnist for Lifetime magazine and featured in Glamour, Real Simple and The New York Times. Her columns appear in Saturday’s Lifestyle section. “The common denominator in all your failed relationships is YOU!” My sister and I found this truism on a “demotivational” poster on Despair.com, a site that offers a hilariously funny “bleak perspective” on the ever-cheery corporate posters, calendars and mugs. Call me a cynic, but I’ve always been skeptical of those rah-rah motivational messages. A crew of sweaty guys rowing does not inspire me to greater heights of teamwork. My sister and I got a big laugh over the common denominator poster and then went back to work, secure in the knowledge that it didn’t apply to us. Two weeks later I was on the road in Florida, touring for my book. Before you start thinking paparazzi and glamour, let me clarify the details. John Grisham gets an escort and limo. I, on the other hand, was navigating the roads of Tampa alone in a tiny rental car. After finding myself lost and late for the third time in three days, I started to lose it. I had gotten directions from three different TV stations, and they were all bad. As I began ranting and raving about how nobody knows how to give good directions, I suddenly realized — Oh my God, it’s ME! The poster was right. Three different sets of directions from three different people and the one who got lost every time was me. Connecting my current navigational problems to a few other areas of my life, I began to see a common trend in my annoyances with others. Through a random polling of friends, it appears I’m not alone. We’ve all got our own particular hot buttons. The players may change, but we often find ourselves in eerily similar situations over and over again. And the frustrations we have with others can reveal more about our own personal neuroses than about theirs. Have you ever known somebody who’s always complaining about people being so controlling? I hate to break it to you, but if this is your beef, you’re letting people control you. You might not be walking around with a big sign that says “make my decisions for me,” but you’re probably giving out the vibe that your opinion doesn’t count much. It’s a convenient way to get out of standing up for yourself or coming up with your own plan, but it’s a pretty stifling gig over the long haul of your life. On the opposite end of the spectrum is the “Do I always have to be in charge of everything?” syndrome. The answer is — yes, you do. Until you give yourself permission to step aside, very few will dare to challenge your authority. That feeling of discomfort when nobody steps up to the plate or even notices what needs to be done? That emotion is entirely yours. Another common peeve is “this group is so cliquish,” often uttered by the person standing on the sidelines waiting for others to invite them in. When you interpret people’s delight in each other’s company as a plot to keep you out, the only big loser is you. Most of our beefs with the universe come simply because everybody forgot to read the “memo on the world, according to me.” We’re the common denominator when it goes badly, but we can also be the common denominator when our relationships succeed. Your best chance at true happiness is overcoming your own biases and learning to enjoy the people around you, warts and all. The choice is up to you whether you want to make the effort to do it. Lisa Earle McLeod is a syndicated columnist, a nationally recognized speaker and the author of “Forget Perfect™: Finding Joy, Meaning, and Satisfaction in the Life You’ve Already Got and the YOU You Already Are.” (Penguin/Putnam) She has been featured in Real Simple, Essence, and The New York Times and seen on Good Morning America, Lifetime and FOX. Contact Lisa at www.ForgetPerfect.com. Editors: If you’d like to run Forget Perfect™ in your paper contact Lisa@ForgetPerfect.com. Column must include byline and photo. 
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