Lovin' your misery is wrong, but I want
to be right
www.forgetperfect.com
I told you so.
Don’t you just love it when you can say that?
Maybe it’s because everyone else finally recognizes that your brother-in-law is the lazy loser you pegged him for the first time you met. Or because the car you talked your husband out of buying turned out to be the biggest lemon of the year.
There’s something deliciously vindicating in proving to the world that you knew best.
In fact, I often wonder if there’s a mechanism inside our mind whose sole mission is to seek out evidence that reassures the rest of our brain that it’s doing a good job.
Last Saturday, I was scheduled to go on an all-day hike with my two daughters and some friends from church. Exercise, bonding time with my kids and the chance to gossip with other adults, all in one fun-packed Saturday I didn’t have to plan.
When my youngest woke up sick I debated whether or not to cancel. She might get better as the day went on, as kids often do. But I didn’t want to risk her stumbling up a mountain ill, or ruining the trip for everyone else, so we bailed.
Ever the optimist, I always believe that things happen for the best. As I was making my decision, I checked the weather forecast and saw there was a chance of showers.
“Oh well,” I thought, “It will probably rain and we’ll be glad we didn’t go.” In fact, I sort of hoped it would rain, so I would feel OK about missing it.
Then, all of a sudden, it dawned on me — my friends are going on this hike! Do I really want it to rain all day just so I can validate my decision?
By about 10 a.m., the time we would have been arriving to start the hike, my daughter perked up.
Drat, I knew we could have gone. But by afternoon, she began running a slight fever. Eh, we hadn’t missed the hike for naught. She actually was sick and my mind could satisfyingly check off the box that said, “I made a good decision.”
That’s when I realized I was nuts.
First I’d wished a day of soggy hiking on my friends. Now, I was actually reassured that my kid was sick.
And I know that I’m not the only one whose mind is always looking for a way to justify her actions. It’s almost like we have a default switch in our brain that can’t rest until we prove ourselves right, no matter what the cost.
I once left a company because I thought the president was leading them to doom.
Two years later, after he had run the company into the ground, I read in a trade journal that many of my former colleagues had lost their jobs. I felt so validated I practically smirked.
For the record, I’m not totally evil. I did call my friends and offer to help, but my first reaction was, “See, I was right all along.”
But how bizarre is it to feel good about something that causes other people pain?
Suppose your son discovers that his wife is turning out to be a sloppy, lazy mother just like you predicted? Or your neighbor has trouble with the lawn mower you warned him not to buy? Or your husband spends all night hanging his head over the toilet, because you were right, those burgers really did smell funny?
When it comes to negative situations, maybe we should reprogram our brains to feel relieved when we’re proven incorrect.
As for my daughter, she’s fine now. But loving her sickness was wrong, so next time, I don’t want to be right.
Copyright © 2006 by Lisa Earle McLeod. All Rights reserved.
Lisa Earle McLeod is a nationally recognized speaker and the author of “Forget Perfect: Finding Joy, Meaning, and Satisfaction in the Life You’ve Already Got and the YOU You Already Are.” She has been seen on “Good Morning America” and featured in Lifetime, Glamour and The New York Times. Contact her at www.ForgetPerfect.com.
EDITOR:
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