SPONGE BOB, MONET AND PTA

Want your kids to do better on standardized tests? Plunk them in front of the TV and head out to PTA.

In his best-selling book, "Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything" (William Morrow 2005), author Steven D. Levitt asks and answers a simple question - what makes a perfect parent?

Levitt, recently named the "Best American Economist Under Forty," is a much-heralded scholar who studies the riddles of everyday life - from cheating and crime to sports and parenting. In "Freakonomics," his analysis of why crack dealers still live with their moms and what teachers and sumo wrestlers have in common is fascinating to say the least. But his data-driven conclusions about the art of parenting could change your perceptions forever.

Using a regression analysis on mountains of data from a federal study, Levitt and co-author Stephen Dubner reveal the parenting factors that correlate with test scores. Among their many startling findings is that a parent's involvement in PTA does matter, but whether a child frequently watches television has no bearing on their scores whatsoever.

Being a PTA mom whose kids are developing a deep relationship with Sponge Bob while I work the phone tree, I was greatly relieved to think that I was actually upping their IQ.

However, Leavitt burst my bubble by clarifying that the correlation "probably indicates that parents with a strong relationship to education get involved in PTA, not that their PTA involvement somehow makes their children smarter."

Darn.

Some of the other factors that correlate to test scores are, not surprisingly, the education level of the parents, whether English is spoken in the home and if a lot of books are around. But the things that have no correlation to test scores are an intact family, moms not working between birth and kindergarten, and regular trips to museums.

"It isn't so much a matter of what you do as a parent, it's who you are," Levitt suggests.

But wait a minute - I thought those expensive clarinet lessons would stimulate Junior's mind so he could break 700 on the math SAT. And shouldn't that Sculpting for Tots class insure that little Bethany was a shoe-in for the gifted-and-talented program?

Sorry, no dice. Levitt's research confirmed what many of us slacker moms have hoped all along - cultural enrichment may create a more educated child, but it will not raise her IQ.

The good news is if you're feeling guilty because you didn't play the baby Mozart tapes or quit your job so you could take your kids to art galleries every week, you're off the hook.

But the bad news is if your kids test well and you were hoping your parenting merit badge was in the mail, forget it. Your brilliant offspring owe more of their intelligence to the chromosomes passed down from Grandpa Fred and Grammy Buella than you doing the Better Baby flash cards six hours a day.

The lesson here? Much of the prevailing trend toward hyper-parenting is wasted effort.

The current cultural norm goes something like this: The harder you work at parenting, the smarter your kids will be. Academic achievement is directly proportional to parenting skills. So when your kid gets an A in math, your parenting score is 100 percent.

But if that idea is completely wrong and your child's IQ is predetermined, does parenting really matter?

Of course it does. It matters when it comes to shaping values, work habits and ethics, not ratcheting up test scores. Those brilliant ancestors of yours didn't waste their time trying to produce the perfect kid. They believed that parenting was a moral obligation to society.

I wonder what would happen in today's world if, instead of spending our time and money on Baby Trig classes and computer-enhanced learning systems, we accepted our children's IQs and focused our efforts on teaching them how to use it?

If your child is brilliant (as I'm sure yours is) that means your job as a parent is not only more difficult, but more important. After all, Hitler had an above average IQ, but nobody cares much about how well he did in school.

As a mom who's convinced she is raising future world leaders, I've come to realize that while an SAT prep class may raise their scores a few points, spending a Saturday at a shelter teaching them the value of compassion will have a bigger planetary payoff. My main job as a parent is to create character, not boost brains.

IQ is one of the many cards your children are dealt at birth. Their parents are one of the others. One will stay pretty much the same over the course of their lives, but improvements in the other can make all the difference in the world.

Lisa Earle McLeod is a syndicated newspaper columnist and the author of Forget Perfect. (Penguin/Putnam) www.ForgetPerfect.com