SEARCHING FOR THANKS? TRY LOOKING INSIDE

"...With everything I do around here, the least you could do is show me a little appreciation."

Who hasn’t felt unappreciated at times?

Whether it’s your boss not noticing all the late nights you put in on the Uncle Spud’s Tater Tot account or your spouse assuming your new sub-zero fridge magically produces the food on its own, we’ve all had moments when we did our best and then felt disappointed because the Good Fairy of Recognition neglected to call out our names.

I am particularly fond of accusing my family of ignoring the daily sacrifices I make on their behalf. I’ll begrudgingly head into the kitchen to cook a real meal, and 30 minutes, two pots and a nasty burn later, I’ll find myself practically screaming at my kids, "You think it wouldn’t have been easier on me if we’d picked up Happy Meals? I made that tofu scramble from scratch, so quit whining, start thanking me for being a good mother, and EAT IT!"

I feel fully confident that each and every one of us deserves more credit for the things we do. After all, who among us isn’t the unsung hero of her own life?

But before we all start commiserating about the lack of appreciation shown to us, it might be worth asking a bigger question: Why are you doing your good deeds in the first place?

Is it to be noticed and appreciated by others?

Is it because a job needed to be done and you thought you were the only one who would get off the couch and do it? After all, if you hadn’t directed the cars at Aunt Bertha’s funeral, they would all still be stuck in the mud. But as you stood in the drizzling cold rain, alone in the yard amidst a sea of Buicks while the rest of your relatives mourned over warm coffee cake and punch, were you really feeling the love?

Many times we do something either because we want others to see how wonderful we are or because we feel like we are the only ones uniquely qualified for the job.

There probably are some tasks that were meant for you and only you. Each one of us has unique talents we were meant to use. But doing things to please others will never provide any of us with the true joy we crave. That’s because as long as we’re giving with the hopes of getting something back, we’re still operating on a one-dimensional plane.

It’s a self-absorbed, insecure life model that puts us on a surefire path to feeling put out, put upon and anything but loved.

One of the frustrations I’ve heard from volunteer helpers in the aftermath of the hurricanes is that some of the "helpees" don’t seem very grateful.

To be honest, I find this complaint completely laughable. These poor evacuees have been through a bloody hurricane. Not only are they trying to keep body and soul together and rebuild their lives, but we have no idea who may or may not have been taught the art of a good thank you.

If you think gratitude is something that comes naturally, you’ve obviously never had kids.

As best I can tell, it takes about eight years of constant nagging to get unsolicited thank you's from children. And despite hours of trying to explain to my kids that every meal you eat, every gift you receive, every sermon you hear and every book you read represents a significant contribution on someone else’s part, I’m not sure they fully understand it any better than I did at their age.

And if a few patient adults and some time on the volunteer circuit hadn’t taught me the lesson, I doubt I would have ever known.

But beyond understanding why everyone isn’t skilled in expressing gratitude, I wish more of us, myself included, could relish in the joy of our own actions, without being so dependent on the opinions of others.

Try changing your mental track from, ...Gee, I hope this makes everyone happy and they thank me, so I can feel great, to ...I’m really lucky that I’m in a position to have something to offer. It takes work, but it’s the cornerstone to a happy and fulfilling life. And the results are usually immediate and often startling.

It’s the difference between banging around the kitchen muttering, ...I cook every night and once again I bet nobody is going to thank me versus joyfully preparing a meal for your family while you think about how lucky you are to be part of their lives. It changes the dynamic of the entire situation.

I can’t say that I get myself into that frame of mind everyday, but on the days that I do, life is easier and a whole lot more fun.

It’s almost enough to make you give thanks.

Lisa Earle McLeod is a syndicated newspaper columnist and the author of Forget Perfect. (Penguin/Putnam) www.ForgetPerfect.com