JUDGING THE ACTION PACKED GAME OF PARENTINGBy Lisa Earle McLeodwww.forgetperfect.com Peer pressure parenting - an attempt to make other people's children behave simply by shooting them a dirty look. It never works, but it's practiced every day by busybodies in shopping malls and Chuck E. Cheeses across the land. My favorite scenario is the crying-baby-on-the-airplane routine. As a former tot-toting traveler, I've been on the receiving end of this one, and I can tell you exactly how it works. You board the plane dragging along a diaper bag stuffed with every available device to keep your child content - bottles, animal crackers, diapers, a change of clothes and enough Beanie Babies to start a circus. Yet despite your best efforts to keep her occupied, your child begins squalling and will not stop. As your infant screams in your ear, this prompts many of your fellow passengers to begin rolling their eyes and loudly sighing in your direction. They seem to believe either you are deaf or you enjoy nonstop wailing at 35,000 feet. And they obviously are hoping that by giving you the evil eye, you will awaken to the fact that they are annoyed, and you will finally give your child the magic Be Quiet pill you have been hiding in your purse. When this happened to me on one flight, I almost wanted to tell one well-suited businessman, "Thanks for the nasty look. I hadn't noticed she was crying, but now that you've alerted me, I guess I'll stop pinching her." I'm just as annoyed with screaming, ill-mannered kids as the next person, but making their parents feel like scum never helps. In fact, it usually makes the situation worse. I can understand why childless people might think they are providing a public service by pointing out parenting errors in public. I myself was once so naive as to believe my children would never do that. But after a few "I WANT SKITTLES!" hissy fits in the checkout line, I realize that not everything is within a parent's control. Although nasty looks and unsolicited advice from strangers may make you feel like the world - or at least everyone on the plane - thinks you're a bad parent, nothing makes you more defensive than criticism from your own parents. I was pawing the clearance rack at Old Navy recently and I saw how powerful a mother's disapproval of her child's parenting can be. As I stood rummaging through the two-for-one T-shirts, I noticed a little girl about 3-years-old whining to her mother for some glitter sandals. Her mother, who appeared to be about 30, gave a tense "no," grabbed her child's hand and marched her off in the other direction. Moments later, in a different part of the store, I saw the mother arguing with a 50-ish woman, who appeared to be her mother. With her little daughter standing few feet away, ogling more merchandise, the younger woman barked defensively at her mother, "I said 'no' - doesn't that make you happy?" Grandma narrowed her eyes into one of the most judgmental looks I've ever seen and snapped, "I'd be happy if you could make that child mind." And with that the younger woman stomped over to her child, picked her up and heaved her into the cart. All the negative energy of three generations descended down upon a 3-year-old. As the inevitable crying ensued, the older woman's nose wrinkled up even further. Her lips pursed even tighter as her judgmental frown turned into an evil scowl. With her knuckles white from clenching the cart, the young mother hissed under her breath "Stop crying right now." And the unhappy trio made their way to the checkout. It was all I could do not to stage an intervention right there, next to the clearance flip-flops. I didn't know whether to hug the kid, shoot an encouraging smile at the younger mother, or slap the older woman silly. I have no idea how this family behaves in other circumstances. For all I know this was a bad day, and Grandma is usually as loving and giving as Olivia Walton. But I do know that when a parent is in the middle of a bad situation, it's the worst time to offer advice. And if that parent happens to be your child, the more judgmental you are of their parenting skills the less likely you are to improve them. I have to wonder what would have happened if, when things got tense, Grandma had offered support instead of criticism. What if she had hugged her daughter and said with a smile, "It's OK, honey, they all act like that sometimes"? Maybe her daughter could have calmed down, taken a deep breath, and responded with positive energy rather than channeling on all her mother's negative junk. The Wicked Witch of the Discount Jeans may think she's helping, but when it comes to the high stakes game of parenting - judges flashing scores from the sidelines only make the players choke. Snellville resident Lisa Earle McLeod is a nationally recognized speaker and the author of "Forget Perfect: Finding Joy, Meaning, and Satisfaction in the Life You've Already Got and the YOU You Already Are." She has been seen on "Good Morning America" and featured in Lifetime, Glamour and The New York Times.
Editors: 
|
