‘You complete me' and other lies about love
www.forgetperfect.com “You complete me.”
When Tom Cruise uttered those memorable words to Renee Zellweger in “Jerry Maguire,” he summed up all the romantic hopes and dreams so many of us have for love. We want a soul mate — that perfect romantic partner who completes us, that wondrous person who understands our minds, whose mere presence makes us feel happy and whole. But how many of us get romance right in round one? The public failure rate for marriage may be 50 percent, but I suspect the private failure rate is closer to 90 percent. I know plenty of couples who physically are married, yet lead emotionally separate lives. Yet I can count on one hand the number of people who have created truly happy partnerships and sustained them over the long haul. When people talk about soul mates, usually they’re in the beginning of a relationship or at the end of one. They’re either waxing on all doe-eyed and simpering about how they’ve found their one true love — a person they have yet to share a checkbook or bathroom with, but with whom they know eternal bliss will be found. Or they’re sadly realizing their current partner is not who they really want and secretly are fantasizing about “the one” they let get away. But do soul mates even exist? Is there one human being who can make us whole? Soul mate is by its very definition a spiritual concept. Dr. Harville Hendrix, the author of “Getting the Love You Want” (Harper-Collins 1990), has cracked the code on the soul mate debate and unlocked the secret of lasting love. He says we unconsciously choose a partner who will push our buttons in order for us to grow. We’re attracted to “someone who has both the positive and negative traits of our parents.” That’s why we feel so wonderfully at home in the beginning, then find our partner so horribly annoying as the relationship matures. Hendrix suggests your life’s work as a couple is to replay your childhood stuff over and over again, until both of you learn a different response. Early infatuation and later disillusionment are all part of the master plan. Mother Nature, God, the Tooth Fairy, or whomever you believe in wants your soul to grow. But the powers that be also know that you’re too smart to fall for someone who opens the dating dialogue with, “Hook up with me, I’ll notice all your flaws, bring out all your childhood issues and try like heck to overhaul your entire personality.' Instead, the universe sends you a hot honey who, at first glance, promises to make all your romantic dreams come true. But when glow fades and the toilet seat wars begin, our first inclination is to cast our mate aside leaving a pile of discarded lovers, unpaid lawyer bills and leftover children in our wake. Yet many people trade in their partner for whatever romance lies behind door number three — usually someone with exactly the same inner workings as the person they left behind, different packaging on the outside but same emotional map within. I have to believe life would be easier, cheaper and happier if we could make it work in round one. At the core of Hendrix’s work is the idea that what your partner needs the most from you is exactly the area where you need to grow. Read that sentence twice, because if you can embrace that concept, you will dramatically change your relationship forever. And it literally can happen over night. Whether it’s more words of affirmation, accepting them the way they are or even just learning to show up on time, whatever your partner keeps nagging you to do, just do it. The harder it is for you, the more you probably need to do it. The great thing about this philosophy is that it means your partner really does need to change in exactly the way you think they should. The downside is — the same thing applies to you. We’re given a gift as human beings: a soul mate, a person ideally suited to push our buttons and to need more than we think we should have to give. Throw one away and the universe almost always sends you another one. The truth is, you don’t find a soul mate. But, with your partner’s help, you can complete yourself and become one. Learn to play your part right and you’ll discover real love, something much more romantic than anything Hollywood could create.
Lisa Earle McLeod is a syndicated columnist, a nationally recognized speaker and the author of “Forget Perfect™: Finding Joy, Meaning, and Satisfaction in the Life You’ve Already Got and the YOU You Already Are.” (Penguin/Putnam) She has been featured in Real Simple, Essence, and The New York Times and seen on Good Morning America, Lifetime and FOX.
Contact Lisa at www.ForgetPerfect.com.
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