From TV and religion to sex and fast food, no topic is off limits as Lisa applies her edgy humor to the everyday issues that drive us all nuts. Lisa's weekly column runs in newspapers from LA to New York to Atlanta including: Gray Newspapers (metro Atlanta), Chattanooga Times Free Press, Southern Newspapers, Inc., Eagle Newspapers, Community Publishers Inc., and The Buffalo News.
If you're interested in running Lisa's column contact Lisa@Forgetperfect.com.
You still have a job. Today.
You still have a dishwasher to unload. This week...
It's the late-night, whispered conversation between you and your spouse when you're finally alone in the bedroom after an exhausting day of dealing with family holiday drama...
The sunny-side-uppers claim that a positive attitude is the secret to success. If only all the Eeyores of the world would start thinking more positively, we could cure disease, create world peace, and line our pockets with riches...
Growing up, we never said "grace" in my house. My mom was raised Catholic and my dad a Baptist. Somewhere along the line, they both left their childhood churches, and by the time we came along, religion was no longer part of their daily lives...
Oh great, more sex scandals. Insert eye roll here.
We know how this monkey business works...
An open letter to men:
We love you, we really do. We know you're different than we are, and we like it that way...
It's official: Of the twelve people who were in our wedding, only three are
still with spouse No. 1.
Actually, I guess it's five, if you count me and my husband...
How did you get where you are today?
Was it skill, luck, hard work?
If you're somewhat successful, it was probably all three...
"Oh no, too many people showed up, and we ran out of parking spaces."
"Groan, we already had three events this weekend, and now we have a fourth.
I don't see how we're going to be able to fit it all in."...
Forget health care and Afghanistan, the big news question is: Who's going to
replace Diane Sawyer on "Good Morning America"?...
Outbursts in Congress, cursing on the tennis courts, and grabbing the mic
from a young award winner; everyone is lamenting our loss of civility as
more and more public figures continue to behave badly...
"Your weeds are in violation of section 3A of our neighborhood covenants."
The letter was stuck in my friend's mailbox. She opened it late one night
after returning home from visiting her husband who had taken a job out of
state...
"WE already have a science project," said one mom.
Another asked, "Who did YOU get for language arts?"
It was Back-to-School Night at the middle school...
"She's just trying to push your buttons."
"He's such a manipulator."
We often accuse people of being manipulative, but do you know how hard it
actually is
to manipulate others?...
"Don't get your hopes up."
This is the single stupidest piece of advice that ever was.
Because guess what? ...
Does the size of your spoon affect your waistline?
Will the location of a scientist's cubicle impact his productivity?
Can the width of an aisle determine the future of a nation? ...
Who's got your back?
Do you have people in your life that you can count on to support you, no
matter what? ...
Sixteen and pregnant. It's bad enough it happens, but now you get to watch
it on television...
Are you too fat for your job?
There’s been some debate in the media about whether or not Surgeon General
nominee Regina Benjamin is too overweight for the position...
It's just a moment. It's the moment when the usually calm mother screams at her kids, or the
normally kind man losing his temper or the competent TV news anchor rolls
her eyes after a trying segment...
I may be a pasty-faced white woman with working-class German and American
roots, but I think my soul is Greek...
The evil stepmother is a staple villain of fairy tales. A wicked witch who
cackles into a mirror, she starves her husband's children while she wallows
in riches...
Welcome to the new normal.
Your 401(k) has tanked, your job is hanging by a thread, and purchases you
once considered routine are now major life decisions...
Last month my 16-year-old sent and received 8,307 texts. Yes, you read that
number correctly - 8,307 text messages in one billing cycle.
Of course, she says that number is misleading...
It's a middle-aged rite-of-passage. It's the moment you become invisible.
It's when you realize that people (people of the opposite sex, that is) are
no longer looking at you; they're looking through you...
Is your body giving away the secrets of your mind?
We all know that body language can convey thoughts and emotions. But did you
know that people are more likely to respond to your non-verbal messages than
they are your verbal ones?...
Do you ever notice how some people always seem get the best tables, the most
helpful sales people and that nobody ever messes up their order at the drive
through? . . .
I love television. I truly love it. I wept when TiVo was invented, because
it meant I could watch even more of it . . .
With two high profile affairs making the headlines these days, that of former presidential candidate John Edwards and that of reality star Jon Gosselin of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" fame, everyone from Oprah to my 11-year-old is asking, "Why?" . . .
Did you ever notice that the people always complaining about control freaks are usually the ones sitting on the sidelines? It's easy for them to get annoyed at the orders barkers, because they're not . . .
It was an unlikely marriage. He was a scientist and she was a religious studies major. He went on to win a Pulitzer Prize for a book about evolution. She became a children's book author, often writing about religious holidays. But it was their pillow talk about . . .
The recession is now official, my teenager no longer shops at Abercrombie & Fitch. . . .
Her name was Betty. She was the middle child of seven children, and she wanted to be a nurse. But it was the 1920's and her family didn't have much money. Her father wasn't too inclined pay for an education, at least not one for a girl, so she . . .
Do you ever feel like you're just faking it? You know, walking around in a grown-up body acting like you know what you're doing...
It's official, I'm a loser. My daughter refuses to friend me on Facebook. Yes, I am one of the grown-ups who's making Facebook uncool. Once the purvey of hip teens, Facebook is now mainstream and middle-aged. But alas, it would appear . . .
Forget world peace, we just need to make money.
To recycle a phrase made popular during another political season - it's the economy, stupid.
You can't. . . .
Many of you are criticizing certain corporations for misuse of public funds. But I'd like to call a time-out on all this whining.
We're in a crisis people, and the last thing we need is for a bunch of tax-paying Americans to start . . .
"I can never forgive him."
How many times have you heard that?
We all want our own mistakes to be forgiven. But how many of us truly want to . . .
It’s just plain gross, and after seven seasons of this smut, I can no longer stay silent.
I’m not offended at the TV trend of creating cheap programming by inserting cameras into the lives of crazy people. As an ardent fan of Toddlers & Tiaras, I’ve always said, one family's dysfunctions are another family's Friday night entertainment. It’s a free country and if you want to tart up your two-year-old in the hopes of her becoming Little Miss Chitlin’ Strut, you . . .
"Don't take it personally."
The reason this is such a common expression is because we so often do - take it personally that is. Especially children. I can't tell you how many times . . .
Why are we so willing to believe bad things about good people?
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get sucked in by gossip?
Sometimes it doesn't even matter where . . .
You can usually tell by their hands. Gnarled and rough, dry and cracked, bearing scars from years of twisting metal, pounding concrete, ripping lumber, stripping plastic and pushing and shoving all kinds of rough material into awkward shapes and tight places.
I've always had a thing for . . .
You know it's bad when you start practicing the speeches.
You know, the little speeches you rehearse in your head for the grand and glorious moment when you finally get to tell so-and-so what you really think about them.
Your monologue gets more . . .
I don't know which is worse - losing your job or being the one who has to make the cuts. Yes, I know there are still some heartless execs out there slashing jobs and burning while taking huge bonuses and sleeping soundly in custom sheets.
But there are also millions of . . .
A friend of mine just got the news that another man in her neighborhood killed himself. He's the fourth in 12 months. Another man who decided that his family would be better off without him. Another man who will never . . .
You get to a certain point in your life when you're no longer willing to waste an entire evening on a bad date. If you've been married for a while, you may have fond memories of your own dating days. For many of us, time erases all the times we were stood up, groped . . .
It will be a moment, a moment when all the world watches, as the United States of America inaugurates our first African-American president. There will be parties. There will be cheering. There will be speeches. I suspect a lot of . . .
Forget sex, communication, in-laws and the toilet seat wars. If you really want to stir up a hornet's nest inside a marriage, just bring up the subject of naps. Men love them and women despise. . .
Why do we always wait until things get awful before we ask for help? We wait until our marriage is in a ditch before we go to a counselor. We wait until our kid is failing before we hire a tutor. And we often wait until we're desperate before . . .
Oprah's fat again, and - ahem - not to mention any names - but a few of the rest of us have porked up right along with her. America's favorite yo-yo dieter has fallen off the wagon again. But instead of wrapping herself . . .
Happy Holidays 2008. The economy is tanking. Half the country is lying awake worrying about money.
Yet somehow, we're supposed to find the joy in Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah or whatever other over-priced . . .
It's like a rock in the pit of your stomach; a cold clammy feeling that spreads up your gut and momentarily stops your breath. It's the awful moment when they tell you that your credit card is denied. Or you open the mail and you find out that your . . .
I swear we tried to cull our stuff. I even told the kids that they should turn their underwear inside out for the second week of our trip. But there we were . . .
We didn't wear our big white tennis shoes, we didn't complain about the lack of ice, and we never once asked where you could buy a big Gulp. But they could still peg us as Americans, even from the back pew at . . .
What's your story? You know, the story you tell yourself about your life, who you are, where you came from and what’s happened to you. We all tell ourselves stories. They’re the narratives that play out in our heads, the little voices providing the back stage commentary on our lives: He never loved me; our family is really competitive; I don’t know how to manage money, my grandma hid the liquor bottles . . .
The ads were endless, the attacks were sometimes ruthless, and the gossip was wickedly riveting. I'm coming off an election addiction that feels like I'm trying kick crack cocaine. . .
Is she crazy, is she hormonal or is she finally shouting the truth?
We're all familiar with the stereotype of the angry woman. A shrieking shrew who . . .
Does everyone have a purpose? And what happens if you accidentally spend your life doing something else?
The "What do you want to be when you grow up?" question is a . . .
I can't take any more. The economy is tanking, the election is endless, and now it looks like I might have to sell my blood if I want to keep my kids in mac 'n cheese. Oh, and did I mention that thanks to falling house prices, I probably owe more. . .
Why are older fathers so reluctant to say "I love you"? My friend's father recently passed away. After a forty-year friendship, we knew the whole story about each other's parents - the good, the bad and the ugly; the struggles and the joys, and everything else that goes along with navigating a relationship with people who were far. . .
What makes a man cheat? The very same reason that disgruntled office workers steal paper clips and people pout at family reunions. 92 percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex. It was. . .
I'm fat again. Well maybe not fat fat. But five pounds has become 10, and once again I'm toddling down the road toward portly. But this time it's not my fault. I have just unearthed scientific evidence. . .
There's nothing more embarrassing than money. Or rather, the lack of it. People are more willing to talk about their sex lives than they are their financial status. Think about it, who looks more embarrassed. . .
You can't even buy gas these days without overhearing somebody talking about the election. Whether they're touting the integrity of their own candidate or attacking the other team as evil, incompetent, immoral, no-nothing thugs, everybody's . . .
The pressure may be subtle or it might be full-on war, but there's hardly anyone alive who hasn't felt judged and critiqued by their in-laws. Whether it's your . . .
The name of the game is division, trying to convince John and Jane Q. Public that there are only two sides to every issue, a right and a left. The world is a one-dimensional line with good on one side and evil on the other, and you can sleep secure in the knowledge. . .
How to be happy when you're going broke. Can you learn to live in the moment when your moments are constantly being interrupted by the nice folks at Visa reminding you that "minimum payment" doesn't mean the minimum you feel like sending? It means that . . .
Here we go again, another political sex scandal. Is it just me, or has anybody else noticed that these things never seem to happen to women? Oh, women are involved all right - they're usually . . .
Is it ever OK to lose it? We've all done it. Whether it's railing at your spouse or co-worker or screaming like a banshee at your kids.
We all have those moments when the days, years or - if you have a short fuse. . .
Don't you just hate it when the real you leaks out? It inevitably causes trouble. Like that time when, after one too many sloe gin fizzes, you finally told your sister-in-law what . . .
If you're a big wig at work - you know, like a University President, or a crew chief at Taco Bell, or the chairperson of the Save the Calico Cat Foundation - you might assume. . .
I want a do-over with my two kids. Forget natural childbirth, underwater births or even drug-induced labor. I want a Hollywood birth. If I've learned one thing from the recent celebrity stork parade, it's this. . .
"She stole my jeans and she never gave them back." "Did not." "Did too, did too."
Two teens arguing over a pair of Levi’s? Guess again, it's adult sisters squabbling about the perceived injustices of their childhoods. Welcome to Dr. Phil. . .
I'm sure you have a lovely navel, but that doesn't mean I want to see it at the office. Since when did it become acceptable to wear lingerie to work? Don't get . . .
I come from a long line of do-it yourselfers. Yes sirree, there's nothing my family likes better than tackling some big unwieldy project involving overly-optimistic plans, a completely . . .
Ahh, the glamorous life of a business traveler. Winging your way from one city to the next, whisking through airports, your calf leather luggage slung casually over your shoulder. Los Angeles one day, New York the next, and you looking . . .
Men: Does giving your kids a bath or going to a Cub Scout meeting count as a favor for your wife? Well, sort of. It’s an odd paradox; every time. . .
Have you ever had one of those one-way conversations? You know, the kind, where the other person yammers on and on about their life while you just smile and nod? I'm often amazed. . .
Is customer service in America dead, or is it just sleeping? Or perhaps it's . . .
I've just met the worst person in the world.
Well, OK, I didn't meet him, I just did a phone interview with him, and frankly . . .
Beleaguered bellyaching doesn't translate into appreciation. . .
Have you ever noticed how some people can't stand to be told they're anything less than perfect? You offer them a simple suggestion on how they might improve, say, their communication skills, their driving, their eating habits or their home decor, and they act like you stuck a rusty . . .
Wouldn't it be great to work at home? You could come and go as you pleased; you'd always be available for your family; you could work in your bathrobe. No boss to yank your chain, no office politics, nobody stealing your Diet Coke from the company fridge. Just . . .
Isn't it amazing how much your eyesight improves right before you have houseguests? There you are happily living your life just fine among the piles of dirty laundry, heaps of clutter and assorted smudgy glasses. Then for some crazy reason, you schedule house-guests and suddenly you view your home with eyes anew. Your hawk-like vision reveals that . . .
But what about me? Have you ever noticed that whenever you complain to a friend or family member about your problems, they'll often try to top you. Or that if you drag yourself through the door at the end of a tough day announcing how exhausted you are, your spouse will . . .
Is your inner lizard gnawing away at your happiness? We've all got an inner lizard. It's the reptilian part of our brain. Buried deep...
The words strike fear into the hearts of men. Yet those who ignore it, do so at their own peril. With the epidemic-like trend of more and more women filing for divorce, I've noticed...
"How's your author's new dating book selling?"
"It's just awful since the divorce." "Yea, I guess it's tough to promote a relationship expert whose husband is dumping her." It was a . . .
Give till it hurts. We all have been told we should give more. Who hasn't been shamed into giving a buck to a bell ringer who made eye contact as you exited Target, laden . . .
One part stylist, one part shrink, one part fortune-teller; he's nixed half my wardrobe, but in a single two-hour meeting he showed me how I can look better at age 44 than I did at 20. OK, he doesn't look like Robert Redford, he's an aging gay . . .
June 6, 1985. My mother circled the date on the calendar, informing me that from that moment forward, I would no longer be on her payroll. After getting me settled into my . . .
Want to improve your marriage? Get a girlfriend. I personally credit two extra-special girlfriends with improving my sex life, helping my husband and I communicate better and on at least two occasions keeping me from murdering him . . .
I confess. I'm an optimist. One of those annoying people who always looks on the bright side. But the problem with being an optimist is that when you persist in seeing the upside, people often assume you're an idiot. . .
Paris and Nicole led "The Simple Life." My grandparents are experiencing the afterlife. After decades of hassling with real life, my family and I are opting out of reality altogether and going to experience life via remote control.
I'm not talking about jiggly thigh or belly flab. I'm talking about all those . . .
Has there ever been a human desire more fraught with disappointment and misunderstanding than the art of romance? The word "romance" itself conjures up vastly different images for men and women. For . . .
Where have all our manners gone? Gone into cyberspace every one.
Thanks to the endless capacity of the Net, I am being subjected to your sister-in-law's sappy story about . . .
I don't mention my Dad often in this column, but at age 72 he's a wealth of wisdom. Here, in his own words, is a classic Jay Earle story that always inspires me: "I was just 18 and fresh from training when I was assigned to . . .
Is your hair dumbing you down? A Yale University study reveals that, on first meeting, people make assumptions about your income, intelligence and sex appeal not based on your face or body, but based on your . . .
What would make you happy? Are you dreaming about wealth? Beauty? A new car? Maybe if you had the brains and bucks to attend a fancy. . .
What to do, what to do? Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant at 16. Older sister Britney's train wreck of a life gets wilder every day. And to think this was going to be the year I gave up gossip. . .
Is there anyone out there who thinks their child married well? A hand-painted sign beside a country store says it all:
"Closed Sept 7. When my one and only daughter marries that sorry, no-count, worthless, shiftless John Patterson."
I have just seen one of the world's worst TV commercials. An all-American Dad in his weekend DIY. . .
Has there ever been an endeavor at which more well-meaning, hard-working people have tried, and ultimately fallen short, than the fine art of parenting?
If your daughter needed a kidney, would you give her one of yours? Of course you would.
But would you think about how to prepare her spirit to receive it?
Is Santa is the only man on the planet with a holiday to-do list? It's time to get real about what's causing holiday stress. Men don't saddle themselves with nonstop to-do's because they don't put their manhood on the line for . . .
Are you the next Dr. Phil? Calling all armchair experts. There's a sea of dysfunctionals out there just begging for your advice. Blabbermash.com combines two of my favorite pastimes — voyeurism and telling other people what to do. Here's how. . .
"But, Mooommmmy, you promised!" Once again, I had fallen woefully short of the perfect mother benchmark, and my child was shaming me with my shortcomings. If there's a. . .
You know, always assuming that Thanksgiving dinner should be held at their house. Declaring that they alone are entitled to inherit Grandma's good china. I'll tell you why we're so doggone bossy, because ever since you younger siblings shoved. . .
Can you feel sorry for a guy and still fire him? I think so, because my husband and I just did it. Well, technically he quit. But it wasn't pretty. . .
Is chastity the hot new dating strategy? The "wait until you know someone before you get naked" approach might not be the rage on college campuses, but an increasing number of relationship. . .
Have you ever made a horrible mistake? I'm not referring to a bad perm or a powder blue tux kind of mistake. Or a medium-sized error, like discovering sea foam. . .
Can you expand a man's mind by pounding a gavel on it? The sexual harassment suit against New York Knicks head coach Isiah Thomas spotlights once again the differing . . .
Why do men make more money than women? Calm down. I don't mean you personally. I have no idea how much you make or what you're worth. I'm referring to the well-documented . . .
Statistically speaking, yes. Or at least, they're less likely to do hard time than similarly charged bad guys who commit the additional offense of being ugly. Numerous studies have . . .
Cute little booties, a beautiful nursery filled with plastic duckies and spouse you love more by the minute as you bask in the love of your darling child. Who knew???
Are smart people miserable? There's a long-held theory that average folks are happier than the brainiacs with high IQ's. The premise is that if you're super smart, you're more likely to be tormented by. . .
The Ant Man cometh. And apparently he disliketh his job. Or at least the part that has to anything to do with bugs. My Ant Man encounter. . .
Don't you just hate those sunshiny, cheery people? You know the kind, always focusing on the good stuff, and stubbornly refusing to acknowledge . . .
"We're not made of money, you know." If I heard it once, I heard it a thousand times. Whether it was Mom explaining why . . .
Extra firm. I never dreamed those two little words would cause me to despise my husband and ruin. . .
What did you want to be when you grew up? If you were like many little girls who bought into the . . .
Whether catty coworkers, lackluster employees, incompetent supervisors or directionless higher-ups, sometimes it seems like the whole world is . . .
The flowers are the wrong shade of papaya, the dwarf missed his entrance cue and now the band's security detail is blocking my entrance to the stage. Cue the Drama Queen . . .
Strap on your engines, and let the mudslinging begin. The fight for the oval
office has begun. Last time half the country convinced themselves that the
other half were selfish, soulless nuts, but. . .
Ahhh, summer... After a week at the lake with my extended family, all I can
say is, there's nothing like some quality time with mom and dad to shine the light on dysfunction...
See Jane. See Jane run. See Jane work. See Jane slowly go insane as she toils away chained to her brown laminate desk with only a flickering strip of fluorescent light to . . .
Is it TV or shopping or was the geeky professor of quantum physics really right?
There are some situations that just bring out the stupid in people. Airplanes, drive-through windows and any form of public transportation are. . .
The Other Woman. Is she a victim or a vixen? A brazen hussy or the girl next door? I'm fascinated by cheaters, my husband and I have . . .
How do good-looking people find time to stay beautiful? What with schlepping my kids to the mall and surfing the Net for bargain handbags, I barely have time to shave my . . .
Disgust, envy, fear, passion, money and power. A sordid love triangle? Kind of. I'm talking about the relationship . . .
Singles searching for a spouse often believe that matrimony is the golden ticket to a lifetime of great sex and matching towels, kind of like a Pottery Barn catalogue come to. . .
Why are they doing this to me? Whether it's the headset-wearing counter clerk at Taco City who always shorts you two burritos or the inattentive friend who . . .
I have discovered a miracle. Well, OK, maybe not a Moses parting the sea miracle, but a miracle exercise program that transformed me from an always-hungry slightly chubby woman into. . .
Don't you wish there was a test you could use to keep jerks out of your office? You know those people, who seem nice during...
Sometimes you don't know whether to laugh or cry. Sanjaya got voted off American Idol and 32 families have a never ending hole in their hearts...
a five-part series from Lisa's new book:
The common denominator in all your failed relationships is YOU! Most of our beefs with the universe stem from the fact that everybody forgot to read the memo on the world, according to me.
I think God is a large black woman, and She sent Oprah down to spread the love. The last guy She sent wasn’t too media savvy, so this time. . .
The shrink test said he was motivated, creative and flexible. Surely this thing wasn’t talking about my husband. After 23 years of selling his soul to corporate America, my formerly big-bucks-earning man. . .
Work-life balance is a crock. If your job is sucking you dry, leaving you with no semblance of a real life, better balance isn’t going to . . .
I’m an expert in mommy guilt, corporate disillusionment, martial misery, slacker parenting, faux housework, flat-line libidos and drive-thru spirituality. People ask me how I can write about fast food, fake boobs, reality TV and still consider it a spiritual experience. . .
Which is more comforting: your favorite food or a big soft couch?
I prefer them both at the same time.
There’s something marvelously self-indulgent about . . .
Psssst, I’ve got a secret. And only 40 million other people know about it. It’s a book, it’s a movie, it’s on . . .
What are the tapes you play in your head? I’m sure there are a few blissfully contented people out there wandering around with the soundtrack from “The Sound of Music” playing cheerily in their heads. But for most of us woulda-coulda-shoulda ‘ers . . .
If your childhood played out like a scene from “Mommy Dearest,” you know that poor parenting often casts a pallor over your entire life. While you might not have . . .
A woman may tear up over a sappy Hallmark, but the thought of choosing one makes most men want to weep. Are men afraid of . . .
If you've ever been held captive in Cubicle City, you know that sometimes doughnuts are the only way to stay sane. And if you work . . .
It's the tackiest thing to hit the singles scene since toupees. Based on the premise that rich men want great-looking women, and gorgeous women prefer . . .
I’m even worse at this job than I was the first time I did it. It’s amazing how much there is to do, and how ungrateful people are when . . .
People often say that men are pigs, but experts in the art of man-training say they’re more like dogs, and behavior modification techniques that work on Fido will . . .
Ding-dong, the witch is dead. Let the joyous news be spread. No it’s not Munchkins celebrating the death of a wicked woman with green skin and a pointy hat. It’s the hanging death of Saddam . . .
What do Jesus and a University of Chicago economist have in common? They both believe in the freeing power of . . .
Do flat abs and sparkly teeth make you a role model? We judge bikini-clad beauty contestants on their moral values and Donald Trump, a man who . . .
I’ve lost my libido and I’m not quite sure where I left it. I had it during high school. I didn’t always know what to do with it, but I sure as heck knew . . .
A Three Part Guide to Surviving the Holidays Without Getting Fat, Going Broke or Having Your Wife Throw Egg Nog in Your Face . . .
A chubby guy sops up his bloody nose with a red lace thong. A young groom tries to hide the . . .
Tis the season of sin. Other families engage in meaningful religious
rituals, my family is whooping it up at the church of the holy drumstick . . .
Is it better to give than to receive? Or in the dog-eat-dog world of business, do you have to look out for No 1? . . .
